Finding my mental state of mind?

Beau ... your biggest obstacle is the OCD. Yes weed calms you, but it's not addressing your brain's chemical needs. You need to be on a fairly high dose of antidepressant to get your serotonin levels high enough to start countering the OCD. I would suggest Lexapro first. If that doesn't do it, then Remeron. These medications will help suppress the OCD, and the driving thoughts/ anxieties you are experiencing. You can only get them from a psychiatrist. You don't need to worry about therapy, as many psychiatrists only do medication. This is a brain chemistry issue. Now once the medication is at a high enough dose in your system, then you will be much more free to control your thoughts. There hasn't been, nor will there be anyone like you. The same goes for your music ! Chip